These Motherfucking Snakes

It comes out tomorrow, and there's a showing tonight at ten. That's all I have to say about that.

But then there's this.

The soundtrack to Snakes On A Plane should be the best soundtrack in all the land; hands-down, the most excellently cheesy album ever to set its cheesy foot in the iTunes music store. It should be awesome and awful and awesomely awful and awfully awesome. The movie's called Snakes On A Plane. Snakes On A Plane! But it's not awfully awesome, it's just awful, for the most part; peep the tracklist:

1. Cobra Starship - "Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)"
2. Panic! At the Disco - "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage (Tommie Sunshine Brooklyn Fire Remix)"
3. The Academy Is... - "Black Mamba (Teddybears Remix)"
4. Cee-Lo - "Ophidiophobia"
5. The All-American Rejects - "Can't Take It (El Camino Prom Wagon Remix)"
6. The Sounds - "Queen of Apology (Patrick Stump Remix)"
7. Fall Out Boy - "Of All the Gin Joints in All the World (Tommie Sunshine Brooklyn Fire Retouch)"
8. Gym Class Heroes - "New Friend Request (Hi-Tek Remix)"
9. The Bronx - "Around the Horn (Louis XIV Remix)"
10. Armor For Sleep - "Remember to Feel Real (Machine Shop Remix)"
11. The Hush Sound - "Wine Red (Tommie Sunshine Brooklyn Fire Retouch)"
12. Jack's Mannequin - "Bruised (Remix)"
13. Coheed and Cambria - "Wake Up (Acoustic)"
14. Donavon Frankenreiter - "Lovely Day"
15. Michael Franti & Spearhead - "Hey Now Now"
16. Trevor Rabin - "Snakes on a Plane - The Theme"

Sam Jackson is in this movie. He says things like, "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" and "You know all those security scenarios we ran? Well I'm smack in the middle of one we didn't think of." and "It's my job to handle life and death situations on a daily basis. It's what I do, and I'm very good at it." All that and we get to listen to faux-funkified remixes of emo songs, which is little less than exciting. Now there are a few exceptions, one of which being the still not very cherry but funny theme song performed by ridiculous and completely fictional supergroup Cobra Starship. Watch the silly video here. Then there's this one from everyone's favortie big soul guy, which is actually an extremely good song with an awesome shoutout to the movie:

Cee-Lo - Ophidiophobia (mp3)

Oh, and Michael Franti & Spearhead. And Trevor Rabin. That's not emo either.

EDIT. 12:52 AM: It was everything I hoped it would be, and more.

The snakes (who were on crack) bit through wires, necks, eyeballs, ankles, butts, cats, thighs, little dogs, brains, and various genitalia of all varieties. They squeezed fat British guys, fell out of the oxygen mask compartment, and got punched in the face by Sam Jackson. They were chopped in half by an axe, sprayed with a fire extinguisher, fried with a makeshift flamethrower, sucked out of the pressurized plane, and blown up in a microwave by a flamboyant flight attendant. Keenan Thompson fucking landed the plane. And as a leather-clad, mustachioed Sam Jackson ran across the top of the seats toward the snakes, taser in hand, zapping them to all hell as he went, I realized that this movie is everything it should be.